StFX Students Without Power Forced to Use Emergency Hand-Crank Speakers to Survive Hurricane Fiona

ANTIGONISH, NS—With Nova Scotia power outages topping almost half a million in the wake of Hurricane Fiona, Antigonish residents have adapted to life without hot water, evenings by candlelight, and meals consisting of canned beans and tuna. It is times such as these that test our resilience and strength of character. StFX students without electricity report harrowing stories of how the power outage tested their abilities to throw an adequate banger.

“Thank goodness my roommate had the foresight to pack an emergency hurricane bag, or I don’t know what we’d be using to get sloshed on a Sunday night,” Ian MacDonald, a local StFX student, said as he broke out the emergency glowsticks for his “Blackout for the Blackout” party while turning his hand-crank speaker. “It’s scary, it’s difficult—but if everyone in the apartment takes turns cranking, we should be able to maintain a solid buzz”.

Another student, Emma Landry, reports, “at any given time, we have a three-month supply of Coldstreams, Smirnoff, Jose Cuervo, and limes on hand. However, if classes don’t resume soon, we may have to resort to just doing shots of Pink Whitney. For the sake of public health and safety, I hope it doesn’t come to that.”Community members are reportedly impressed by the preparedness and tenacity of StFX students. “I just couldn’t believe how seriously they took their hurricane prep. When I saw that the line outside of the NSLC snaked around the block, I knew students were heeding the advice of public officials to stock up on a three-day supply of the essentials,” Sean Mcdowell, a local Antigonish resident, reports.

Classes remain cancelled indefinitely to give students a chance to recuperate from their four-day benders. “We discussed reopening on Tuesday,” an anonymous source from the Dean’s office reports, “but we didn’t want faculty to have to make their commutes just to teach half-empty barely-conscious classrooms.” Professors are also extending due dates to account for how the past week’s partying has made studying near impossible.

At the time of this article’s release, MacDonald’s hand-crank speaker had begun malfunctioning from over-use. Students are forced to sing the lyrics of their favourite Pitbull songs aloud. Let this week go down in StFX’s history as the week that even a hurricane couldn’t cramp our style.