Probe: Starbucks Whistleblower Reveals Increasingly Long Drink Orders Actually an Attempt to Trick Patrons into Summoning Ghargatuloth, Demon Prince of Tzeench into Reality.

We really should have seen this coming…..

In the wake of the enormous multi-headed demon currently wreaking havoc on campus, a whistleblower who will remain anonymous approached the Xaverian Weekly claiming to have information on its origins. 

Huddled by a window on the third floor of the library, struggling to maintain our balance as the tremors from the avian-headed Forger of Hells pummeling Mulroney building into oblivion with everyone inside shook the ground, she began to explain.

“So basically, we don’t make any coffee at Starbucks” she shouted over the noise. “The elaborate names of our drinks are actually spells, and when a customer riddles off each magic word in perfect succession, the drink is summoned from the great beyond to an area just out of his or her sight. We just grab it and hand it to them.” 

A small crack formed in the ceiling above us through which an ancient dust billowed, but for the sake of journalism I continued the interview. 

“Have you ever had the person working the counter ‘mishear your order?’ That just means your spell was weak and it failed to summon anything. Have you ever got the wrong order? Guess what, you must have mispronounced your Latin at the counter.”

“Eventually, the goal was to keep increasing the number of magic words required per order until one fateful student was skilled enough to cast the spell that summoned the Prince of a Thousand Faces, and it looks like that finally happened.”

At this point, the structural integrity of the library was failing, and chunks of concrete began to fall. Seeing as this was the case, we pushed over some terrified first years who looked to us for salvation but were ultimately in our way, and bolted for the doors. 

Regrouping, we dusted ourselves off in the atrium at the top of the science building, affording us a view of the colloquially named God of the Last Hunt just in time for him to sunder the library in two, destroying all life within. 

“I’m not sure how people never picked up on what was going on” our informant continued. “They are literally chanting Latin-esque words in quick succession to get their drink. Why else would the sizes be in Italian? We’re in Canada.” 

After writing down all she said I quickly wrapped up the interview and made my way to my car, which was luckily one of a few not crushed by flying debris. Unfortunately, however, I had forgotten that I’d spent my last $15 ordering a small water from Starbucks and wasn’t able to fill up on gas. I then got out of my car and ran to the safest place I could think of: the catacombs beneath St. Ninian’s Cathedral. Imagine my shock as I managed to barely escape them with my life after seeing what they beheld. Clothes tattered and mind fuzzied, I somehow was able to stumble my way to McDonald’s where for the price of a crisp high five and some pocket lint I procured an extra-large coffee, and was able to regain my senses.

As of now, Father Donald and Father Danny’s excommunication effort has seen minimal progress. Some on campus have suggested reforming the Sisters of St. Martha to reinforce our Chaplains, and there have even been murmurs of utilizing the nuclear option and calling Father Stan out of retirement to banish this Malignant Entity. However, critics argue that harnessing his spiritual power may result in the destruction of all known life, which could be seen as counterproductive. 

For updates on this situation, stay tuned in to the Xaverian Weekly.